Nick Karnel Williams

Forever I am grateful

I am greatful to be a father. A husband. For am I greatful to be alive. For I am greatful for what is happening within my life.

Weight has had burden upon me for the last several weeks. The weight. The pressures. Don’t always have to be just about business or all life. But a spiritual weight. That even in this moment I write and I stay on track with this blog—I feel. It has been heavy. And the Spirit of God is playing strong in life right now. And although I feel it heavily, it’s better than it was several weeks ago.

In 2004, as I said or mentioned earlier—I gave my life to Jesus Christ.

I want to tell you about Stan. Stan was a friend of ours. He wasn’t super close with us, but he was a friend that kind of lingered throughout our friends group in high school. Stan used to have some major parties at his house where the boys would go over and get drunk. I played First 15 rugby with Stan at Gizzy Boys, and he wasn’t like someone I would hang with unless I was just trying to be one of the boys. I believe at the time I was looking for acceptance with the boys—go out, get drunk, start some rumbles, throw hands, play up, go try to sleep around with whoever—and walk what I call being a part of the crowd.

Over time—and it was probably sometime after school—Stan found himself hanging around me, Santana and Silver (or Andrew, known by some). Andrew at the time—ex Black Power member. Myself and Santana played rugby and formed our brotherhood called 4221—meaning forever together to love one another. It was a name given to us by my older brother Jay, who was the tutor and leader at the time. Something we got tattooed on our arms and something we hold close today. This was our group. Our gang. Our ministry. It became invested into our DNA.

The three of us would just sit, talk, and walk together. Do things together. Hang out. These are my closest brothers in arms—Santana especially—and I can’t wait to reflect on my relationships with these boys, but I have to move forward. I hope you get the picture—it is a true brotherhood.

I remember when we toured to under 21s together to play for Poverty Bay. On the bus ride to Palmerston, it was here I got to know Silver. We just connected. It was here he played the Rapture Ruckus album. And it was here I heard the song “Magnified” by Vini Tautoa. It was here I felt the presence of God, and it was here I could talk with someone about it.

Silver at the time was in ministry with the House of Breakthrough and Pastor Norm. He was in a crew called Zero T. And at the time, Higher Learning was up and running—which me and Santana were a part of. It was at this time we formed our friendship. And for whatever reason, I ended up just hanging out with Silver when I got back. I made his home my home. I made his parents my parents. His mum is my mum. And his dad is my dad. They were parents away from home and they also made me theirs. I will forever love them. Their family will be mine forever.

Let’s fast forward a bit. For whatever reason Stan starts hanging out with us. He becomes the fourth member for a period of time. He drives his car around and hangs with the Higher Learning boys. He’s like the white fair Māori boy who’s kind of a clown at times but just the funny and fun guy to always have around. Stan was just a class act.

For six months, I believe, we went on a bender. We didn’t have jobs and just drank every night—all of us. For whatever reason, we always found alcohol around us and just drank.

But it was one night—this very night—this very night we went for a drive. Just silly things like stalling the car up a hill, silver getting stood on his face in middle of night while asleep and no alcohol, and just real random things which I wish I remembered more of. But it was when we went back to Silver’s house to crash things happened at 13 Albert Street.

You see, everyone used to just go and crash the night over at Silvers so this was no different, and I used to do it all the time. My home away from home. It was the one night we didn’t drink—that this happened.

We are all back at Silver’s. I went to sleep on top of the bunk bed. And in the middle of the night, I felt like I had been thrown off the bunk to the ground. It was here I rushed to the bathroom. It was here I literally vomited the whole sink up with spew. And this sink was big—it was one of the old-school sinks. I remember looking up and seeing my eyes—red. It was here—and this makes me shake thinking about it—but I saw the devil in me for the first time. Which freaked me out. I was like, “What the heck was this?”

I was freaked out. I didn’t know what was happening. I went back to bed. Everyone was still asleep. I went back to bed, and the same thing happened again. I was thrown off the bed and vomited again—the whole sink’s worth. And I looked up and saw the devil. I knew then it was him. There wasn’t a full-on visual but I was red and that ugly picture we see or think we know of the devil is the same one I saw—that’s what I felt like I was looking at. The ugliest thing ever.

Can I just say—my spirit shakes as I write this. I was totally freaked out. I didn’t know what was happening.

I went back to bed. And honestly, for whatever reason—I remember waking up outside the church, on the bench outside of it the next day, with all the boys. Like hungover, but not cause we hadnt even drunk the night before.

I remember walking into House of Breakthrough. Feeling pissed but conflicted in my spirit. And Pastor Peter Mortlock just happened to be preaching.

You know when they call you to the altar? At the end?

Stan got up.

Stan got up and walked to the altar. And I was like—what the heck is happening right now? This guy has no idea about Jesus. This guy doesn’t know God. And this guy just got here. I was in shock, because I felt like I had been trying to learn about God for so long. So long.

And Stan was kind of new to the team. I don’t think it was jealousy—but I was in shock. The night before I had this demonic thing happen, and now this? Like what is going on? My heart had been pounding for weeks of going to church—and I never went up. I felt like I would look like a clown. I thought about the feeling of the altar call. I kept denying it.

And for whatever reason—I go blank.

And I go up next with Stan.

And my soul is saved, feels saved. Through Pastor Peter Mortlock, he prayed for us, he was justa guess speaker travelling from Auckland at the time too.

I don’t know what was happening, but I could no longer deny the call.

It was here I felt it was my time to go to Jesus. It was here I wanted to accept him into my life. It was here I would find some sort of understanding.

Was my decision based off Stan? No. But I had pulled back for so long from the altar call. And Stan walks. And I walk.

It was the most unlikely guy that brought me forward finally. And it would be him who helped me just get over the line. It was an influenced decision.

The reason I never went to the altar was because so many people—including pastors—were trying to talk God into me. It put me off., but you cannot deny the spirit, I didn’t want to be that dude. So I just never responded. Every time. However hard the spirit came of my times in church. I denied the Altar call, every single time.

It was the unlikeliest person who would help me get over the line. It was Stan. He wasn’t there to preach to me or save me. And for whatever reason, he helped me get over—after all the attacks and all the things God was doing in my life.

It’s strange right? But it happened.

And for years now—decades—I have denied God. And at 40 years of age now I find myself back in God’s presence.

Same scenarios. But a new level of maturity in my walk—and in my faith.

On Tuesday—I heard God’s calling. And I said to Him, “Okay.”
I accept You.

His words were just that:

Come to the Lord.

So now—my walk and my faith in God is resurrected. And now, we start to walk through the presence of God.