Nick Karnel Williams

Don’t motivate me through man.

It’s the conversation I had with God this morning as I woke up and felt a shift through my heart.

For the last month or two, I picked up a Bible and started reading because I haven’t been able to deny the blessings that have happened in my life, in our company’s life, and in the lives of the people around me for the past several years.

My uso Andrew’s faith has been so strong since the beginning of this chapter, even before it started. It was God that called him to do this work for the brand.

I’m not a winner, but a sinner—that’s how I’ve looked at my life for decades now. I first gave myself to God back in 2004 when Pastor Peter Mortlock from City Impact Church came through to Gisborne. The Lord and the devil played huge parts in my life at that time, and as fate would have it, I’ve backslid for many years since then. But I couldn’t deny it this morning.

I woke up, and I had been thinking about it for quite some time, especially this week. My heart has been conflicted. I’ve tossed and turned and made it a goal this year to read the Bible.

I can’t explain why I started reading, but I did—I believe it was just time. I’m currently up to the book of Samuel, going through the whole thing for myself.

I have struggled with my faith for years, and this morning was about getting up and having that conversation with God. Get up, get ready, and tell myself not to go. But I knew I needed to, so I did. I had a conversation with God on the way and said to Him, “Don’t motivate me through man. Don’t let my emotions or what I’ve seen be the reason I go. I’ll go, but be at the forefront of this decision.” So I went. I didn’t tell my uso Pastor Albert I was coming—I just showed up, and it just so happened he was preaching.

His message today was about obedience and disobedience—40 to 7. Forty years of Moses and seven days of Joshua. I won’t go into detail as it was something I connected with in a way that made sense to me.

My faith in God has been a rocky one, but I can’t deny all the blessings we’ve received. To be handed something like Matai and to do things that have never been done in the Pacific—I have spoken about God many times, but I haven’t fully committed my soul. I believe I’m ready to take the next steps.

The trauma and pain I’ve endured over time, and the hypocrisy of some Christians being at church while I felt judged, led me to lie to myself over and over again. Listening to people talk about faith used to make me think, “Ah, shut up, man. I don’t want to hear it.” There were so many layers of my life I didn’t want to commit to, for whatever reason.

Look, I’m a Christian, I think. Jesus is big to me, but I haven’t put Him at the forefront. I didn’t grow up in a household filled with faith—just bits and pieces from different people.

This morning was about me and God directly. I never wanted to feel like I had to speak through man to speak to God. I didn’t want to be blocked. I have spoken to Him through my thoughts and through the gifts I’ve been given.

In 2005, I received a message about how I would live my life and how it would determine how I would walk in faith. “Your worship is not being in church waving your hands—your worship is giving 100% to what you love. That is your worship to God.” This message came to me during a time of suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, and pain. I was broken then, but that message made perfect sense to me, and it’s something I’ve carried through ever since.

If you know me, you know I always give my best because to me, that’s my worship—still to this day.

I don’t sleep like others. I take every day like it’s my last most of the time. I’ve denied the Lord so many times, but He has never shied away from loving and blessing me.

It’s a reminder for myself—my faith and my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ to follow, put Him first, and right now I’m really trying. I want to be me. I don’t want to be motivated by what people say because I know I’m meant to lead. But right now, I need to be stripped of my alphaness and ego. I need to be a student again because as smart as I might think I am, I’m not. I’m not the baby in the limelight of things.